Where The Hell is Matt's Girlfriend?

You know how the 1-800-Dentist commercials say...

Me: Have a nice day.
Kathleen Turner: Not likely.

Me: Did you have a happy birthday?
Kathleen Turner: When you're my age, nothing's happy.

Colonial wench. Ur doing it wrong.

my sis, her bf, and me.   we are a handsome family.

The cover of my next book, “A Convenient...

 yep

I put my Sigg bottle in the freezer just to cool it off for...

just took this picture, and am very proud. mrhammers: fail

“Hillary and Bill Clinton are masters at claiming the public limelight even at the expense of...

“I fucked Oscar Wilde at a homeless party.”
— “I fucked Katie Holmes...

The shell of cynicism and bitterness which has encased my...

Monkeys control robots with their minds.

Happiness.

apparently it’s Fucked Up Headline Day on cnn.com

Agreed.  WTF? stokan: Brown instead of of green. Double...

Grand Theft Auto IV

I literally spent my entire weekend playing GTA IV. Critics are calling it the best game ever, and...

I just told him he’s getting neutered tomorrow.

No one loves Kathleen Turner more than...

Her: Can you check and see how many sessions I have left?
Me: What's your last name?
Her: Kathleen Turner.
Me: You have 3.
Her: I thought I had 4. Check it again. Turner, T U R N E R, First name Kathleen.

No more memory

PSYCHED! samreich: joshruben: Dutch West screens eight...

human arkanoid

Number 8 in Top in all Topics on Digg.

sarahschneider: Most of the time I love CollegeHumor users. ...

 September, Hardly Working, and Rock Band Traffic.  Well...

We have a prewar lawn mower.  This could take hours. 

Hammers owns everything the light touches.

The Tenth Dimension

Fail indeed faildogs: Photo credits Neil F

Just had this phone convo. Verbatim.

Her: This is Kathleen Turner.
Me: Hey.
Her: Is Emily there?
Me: No, not yet.
Her: (pause) This is Kathleen Turner.
Me: Ok.
Her: Is she there?
Me: Not yet.
Her: Okay, well tell her Kathleen Turner called.

there you have it

Just got this email:   Elaine: Please link and credit me on the April 3 image you posted on your...

Straight men for gay rights

Slave Futernick  samreich: Caged Futernick

“Where was Mr. Hammers during all of this? Elaine, I think...”
— my sister

Cops in my kitchen at 2 am.  Thank God Mr. Hammers is...

Drinking buddies

The king!

Dutch West meeting at Medieval Times… wait,...

jeffrubinjeffrubin: jakehurwitz: This post is a petition...

“The best anything in 10 years.”
— Sam on Passing Strange

Child molester: "I was molested by Bigfoot."

hmm?

This is a picture of my mother getting married to Conan...

Tumbling from the Renaissance Hotel in Hollywood.  I came here to screen test for a movie. This has...

oh my god joshruben: next business card like this one,...

Sam bought Mr. H a food/water dish in the shape of a fish. ...

Online Confessional

That sly come hither stare…

“Yay! I won Wisconsin!”

My friend Dre is on the front page of yahoo!

samreich: Introducing Mr. Hammers

Dutch West, 2004. 

front row, on the left

tasteless digg headline that made me lol

oscars shmoscars

limorhakim: working late on sunday night? tv broke? come hang out with elaine and myself! we’re...

Adventures in Kitteh Sitting.  Last night, she discovered...

wrote this...

Bean sitting

A Valentines to Remember...

This year I made Sam a tumblr account for Valentine’s Day.  I wanted it to be a look back at...

Ah, love.

OBAMA WINS VIRGINIA!

Me and some guy I met.

Jeff going 80 miles an hour.

7am bus ride

Who, being loved, is poor?  -Oscar Wilde

some of Dan Lieberts pet peeves

When a woman stands near me and people think her ugly baby is mine and it is. Those pretentious...

Their love was brief, but passionate.

Daniel Day-Louis and Wolverine had a brief but passionate...

Me and my sis, Suzanne. 1988-ish.  She still wears glasses...

Why More People Don't Vote

This picture was taken at an awkward dance at theatre camp...

The fail blog.  I love it.

to all dem haters out dere

Arcade Fire music video

Fall 2000

Words on the Julia Allison Hate Parade

Look, the truth, as you all probably know, is that there are a number of Tumblrs that are less...

the women in my life are funnier than the men. maybe men have been in the humor game for too long,...

happy bday, katiepants!!

Cousin Matthew

Sam and E

To cover the cost of Apple’s new MacBook Air, Steve...

Tom Cruise is the Anti-Christ

Undecided voter? Maybe this will help.

I am a fan of 50% of these people.

BEAUTIFUL!

Stokan on Tumblr...

I think tumblr will lead to the downfall of humanity. To someone like myself who believes that...

My bf and I just saw Seth MacFarlane and Alex Borstein perform at Comix.  The show was amazing.  We...

Oh how much we’ve grown up. — sothisishappening

Me at 4, coked out of my mind.

Best of '07

Shooting Deniro for SuperDeluxe Mind altering vacation to Cape Cod Hanging on for dear life on a...

“We named her Raven because she’s black.  Like...

Ladies and gentlemen... Katie Courtien.

perspective

Me: One day you and I will look at the person sitting across from us on the subway and think - I have iPods older than you.
Friend: Damn... Well, when I'm that age, I'll just teleport everywhere. That way I won't run into those young scallywags.

Maddox

Happy Holidays (Photoshop brough to you by my talented...

Jenowa Industries

Today I officially started my first business with my amazing business partner Zach Smith...

I had my very own entrance.   

This wikipedia article could have been...

yes

“The nine month old pregnant woman was in the bathroom when...”
— There are several things wrong...

Simon Comedy became #22 most viewed comedian...

Fever: 100.3

dan: how did you get a girlfriend like elaine?
me: i worked out until i was in peek physical condition, got her to fall in love with me, and then let everything go.
dan: you're like the cristian bale of relationships.